Saturday, October 31, 2009

Matthew 25 According to Free Market Capitalism

Is the Bible too liberal and justice-demanding? Some people think so. Conservapedia is an organization that has set up the Conservative Bible Project, which seeks to rewrite the Bible from a conservative, capitalist perspective. They claim that the Bible is full of liberal, socialist bias. So they are seeking to root out all the liberalism and replace it with a more conservative perspective. We're not making this up! So, just for the fun of it, we thought we'd rewrite Matthew 25 according to conservative economic theory - and Free Market Capitalism. Please don't write us letters. This is only meant to be a satirical piece!

Matthew 25:31-46
Judgement of the Employees

When the Son of Wealth becomes Boss, and all the associates work for him, then he will sit on the throne of his plutocracy. All the workers will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a downsizing consultant separates the valuable employees from the dispensable employees, and he will put the valuable at his right hand and the dispensable at the left. Then the Boss will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by the Head of the Board, inherit the nest egg that was set up for you from the foundation of this company; for I was greedy and you paid me 419 times the average worker's wage, I was middle-class and you moved me into to a gated community, I was guilty of tax fraud and you lied to protect me, I was a failure and you gave me a golden parachute, I was sick and you gave me the top tier health insurance reserved only for the most exclusive employees.” Then the worthy employees will answer him, “Boss, when was it that we saw your greed and overpaid you, or middle class and we rescued you? And when was it that we saw your guilt and protected you, your failure and bailed you out? And when was it that we saw your sickness and gave you better health insurance than all other employees?” And the Boss will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the most elite of our customers or partners, you did it to me.” Then he will say to those at his left hand, “You who are disposable, depart from me into the eternal poverty prepared especially for small businesses and union employees; for I was greedy and you demanded fair pay for all employees, I was middle-class and you argued that all people deserve to live in my neighborhood, I was a failure and you said I deserved to get fired without a severance package, I was guilty of tax fraud and you were a whistle-blower, I was sick and you tried to say that I should understand now that all employees deserve quality health insurance coverage.” Then they also will answer, “Boss, when was it that we saw your greed, middle-class fear, utter failure, inequitable health insurance coverage, and didn't offer you preferential treatment and secret bonuses?” Then he will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the most elite of our customers or partners, you did not do it to me.” And these justice-demanding employees will go away into eternal poverty, while the elite-protecting employees will go into eternal wealth.

Also, Stephen Colbert's take on the Conservative Bible Project can be found here. His wittiest quote about the CBP has to be this: "After all, the Bible says Jesus fed the poor. It should say he fed the rich and let the loaves and fishes trickle down." Wow.

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